Maybe Forever (Maybe... Book 3) Read online

  Maybe Forever

  a novel

  Kim Golden

  Echo Books

  Stockholm, Sweden

  Copyright © 2015 by Kim Golden

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, without prior written permission.

  Kim Golden

  Echo Books - Stockholm

  Gustav III:s boulevard 153

  Stockholm, Sweden SE-169 74

  kim-golden.com

  Publisher’s Note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are a product of the author’s imagination. Locales and public names are sometimes used for atmospheric purposes. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or to businesses, companies, events, institutions, or locales is completely coincidental.

  Cover design: Arijana K./Cover It! Designs

  Cover image: 4x6/iStockphoto.com; Svetlana Fedoseyeva/shutterstock.com

  Book Layout: ©2014 BookDesignTemplate.com

  Maybe Forever/ Kim Golden. -- 1st ed.

  ISBN 978-91-981746-3-2

  To my one and only muse. You know who you are.

  It's always you. It's only you.

  CONTENTS

  Drowning

  Make It Up to Her

  Is This It?

  Is This the End?

  I Fall Apart

  The Truth Hurts

  Namaste

  Wisdom in a Glass

  All I Want

  Counting the Days

  True Confessions

  Welcome to America

  And I Love Him

  This Is Love

  Fathers & Daughters

  Breathe...Gently

  Falling Into Place

  With Every Heartbeat

  Home

  At the Beach

  Get a sneak peek at the first chapter of Maybe Tomorrow,

  The End

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  More books by Kim Golden

  CHAPTER ONE: Laney

  Drowning

  "Mommy!"

  I covered my ears and counted to ten. Slowly...slowly. If I could just stop time for a few moments, get the world to stop spinning so quickly, just one hour...one minute when Liv wasn't chattering...when Freya wasn't shrieking. No, I shouldn't think that way. I shouldn't wish they'd vanish—even if it's temporary. Liv was my heart. My sweet little girl, who needed more than I could give her. And Freya...my angel. Why did I sometimes feel like I didn't love her enough? I bottled this up inside me, corked it tight, hid it deep, deep, deep. I couldn't joke it away. I couldn't shake these baby blues. And I wanted to. I wanted to emerge from the strange, muffling fog shrouding me.

  On the other side of the door, Liv was singing to the baby, singing the same song about a fox and what it says, the same song she'd been singing for days. I'd heard it so many times I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't care what the goddamn fox said...I just wanted it to stop...

  Soon Mads would be home...or...well, it was hard to tell these days. Sometimes he was home early enough to pick Liv up from daycare. Other times he forgot and I had to rush out with Freya keening and shrieking in her pram and fetch Liv before the daycare teachers got frustrated. At least today he'd texted and said he had meetings. I had to remind myself that soon we'd be celebrating our wedding anniversary and we'd have a babysitter and it would just be the two of us for a while...or maybe not. A message flashed on my screen. "New client wants to celebrate contract signing. Taking all of us from the shop out for drinks. Late tonight. XX"

  Liv stopped singing. Now she was at the door again. "Mommy, when is Papa coming home? I want to go to the playground. He said he would take me today."

  I groaned. Of course he'd forgotten. He'd promised her at breakfast. As soon as he'd said it, Liv screamed in delight. I wanted to tell him not to make a promise he might not be able to keep. I'd grown up with a father who never kept promises. I swore I would never make promises to my children that I couldn't keep. And I tried my best to do right by them. I wanted them to be happy, I didn't want them to ever doubt that I loved them, even if there were days when I felt like I didn't know why I wanted them. And that was what scared me.

  Some mornings I had to talk myself out of staying in bed. Some days I was scared I would walk away from my children. And when I tried to tell my cousin Eddy, she said it was normal. I'm not sure if she took it very seriously. She'd never doubted her love for her twins. But I didn't remember feeling like this when I had Liv. Maybe it was because everything was so crazy then. She was born so prematurely... I'd lost a lot of blood and the doctors were scared they were going to lose us both. And there was a part of me that still had nightmares about the day Liv was born. But I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted her to have the childhood I never had—one that felt safe, stable...full of love...with parents who wanted to be together, who maybe loved each other a little too much. I wanted her to feel joy. And now I would have to tell her...again...that Daddy wasn't taking her to the playground. Daddy forgot. Daddy had contracts to sign, people to meet.

  "Liv..."

  "Mommy, does your tummy hurt?"

  "No, sweetie, I'm fine. I'll be out in a second."

  "When is Papa coming home?"

  "Papa's going to be late, so he asked me to take you to the playground."

  "But I want Papa."

  "I know, sweetie, but he can't do it today." I kept my voice calm and even. She sounded miserable. I knew I ought to open the door and console her but the fallout was what I couldn't handle right now. The tantrum, the kicking, the screaming. She'd curl her little hands into fists and hit me, even as I held her and rocked her and swore to her that Daddy didn't mean to forget, he never meant to forget. It wasn't often that Mads actually had to bear the brunt of Liv's frustration at the broken promises. I was the one who was on parental leave. And some days...some days were like today when nothing went right, when Freya wouldn't stop sleep or Liv demanded my complete attention until her father came home, and then she promptly forgot about me. She saved so many smiles and cuddles for him. And there was a fierceness to his love for his daughters that was so beautiful and wonderful...and sometimes I felt outside the scope of it. Stupid, I know. I knew he loved me. He told me every day, and when neither of us was exhausted from the constants of life we showed one another. It's just...no, I had to remember I wanted this. Wasn't this what had catapulted us into our relationship in the first place? I was so gung-ho to have a baby. A baby with Niklas, not Mads...but then Mads came into the picture and I knew. I knew he was the one I was supposed to have my babies with. He was the one I was supposed to wake up to every morning. So why did it feel so strained now? Why did it seem like—in the grand scheme of his life—there was no space for me anymore?

  Liv shrieked and kicked the door. "Mommy! Mommy! I want Papa!"

  I took a deep breath and sighed. God...if I weren't still breast feeding I would pour myself a large glass of white wine and sit on the balcony... It was still nice out, I ought to take Liv and Freya out again for fresh air, maybe she'd calm down...maybe she'd be okay with—

  My phone beeped again. I swiped the screen. Another message from Mads.

  Going to design forum in Milan in two weeks with Jonas + Benny. Presenting our latest ideas + talking about organic design. Will be there Thurs-Sun.

  That Saturday was our anniversary. Four years of marriage. We'd already arranged to borrow Henrik's beach house and spend a grown-up weekend there. Eddy and Henrik had already agreed to take the kids for the entire weekend... I texted him back: "But that's our anniversary."

  "I'll call you later."

  I
cast the phone down on the tile floor. It skittered across the dark grey tiles and bounced to a stop at the edge of the tub. Outside the door, Freya had now joined Liv in crying. Their sobs were my Greek chorus, alerting me of my status as a mom. Status update? Shitty. I wished I could get through a day without bursting into tears. I wished I could actually finish the errands I had without constantly having to stop, to be able to remember that I needed to go to the grocery store before I was already trying to cook dinner. I needed help. I needed...Mads.

  I couldn't hide in the bathroom forever. I pushed myself up and opened the door. Liv was on the floor, kicking her bare foot on the gallery wall. Her pale yellow sundress was grubby now from the juice she'd spilled on herself at lunchtime. Her wild brown curls formed a halo around her face. She was still crying, devastated that her father was not going to do as he'd promised. I picked her up and held her close. At first she squirmed and resisted me. She pushed at me and kept repeating "nej"—the Danish child's version of "no," and a word I was more than familiar with from the great joy Liv often took in turning it into a song. It didn't take long for her to stop struggling. She flung one arm around my neck and rested her cheek against mine.

  We walked down the hall to the room she shared with Freya. The ceiling fan whirred above us, keeping the room cool in the wet summer heat. Freya's nap had lasted all of fifteen minutes and she looked furious at even being put in her crib. As soon as she saw me she stopped crying and stretched out her arms to me. Liv was quiet now too. She let out a little sigh and murmured against my cheek, "I want Daddy."

  "I know, sweetie..." I kissed her and brushed a single curl from her damp face. "So do I."

  * * *

  Liv calmed down enough that I managed to convince her we'd go to the playground together and have Mommy-and-Liv time. She sulked but accepted this change of plans. I even managed to convince her to trade her favorite sundress for a T-shirt and shorts. The dress was too grubby for going out in public. And though many of our neighbors were also parents of small children, their children always managed to look like little fashion plates while mine sometimes looked as though they'd dressed themselves. Most times I didn't care but there'd been a few times when people had commented on Liv's "eclectic style" and the tone of voice was enough to cue me that they thought she looked terrible. I didn't mind that Liv often wanted to wear bright yellow tops with green and red striped pants or that she hated wearing matching socks. More often than not, she came home from daycare missing a shoe. I was used to this.

  At the playground, she spotted two of her friends from daycare. I knew she wanted to play with them but she stuck close to me. I was sitting in the shade of the chestnut tree, trying not to think too much about the state of my marriage. How could it be that I had everything I wanted but I still felt lonely? As much as I loved Mads, it often seemed like the spark between us was sputtering. He was distracted; I was constantly juggling the kids.

  I waved to the children and encouraged Liv to play with them. "But you'll be alone," she said.

  "I won't be alone," I assured her. "Freya's here with me."

  Liv considered this. She was so like her father. They shared so many mannerisms. She bit her lower lip when she smiled, just as he did—especially when he was trying to charm the pants off you. Then she did a little dance and informed me that Emelie—who was her best friend from dagpleje, the Danish version of daycare—was in the sandbox. I encouraged her to go and say hello, which she finally did. She skipped over and soon was ensconced in their favorite made-up game of Princess Takes the Castle.

  Emelie's mother was deep in conversation with another of the neighborhood moms. Normally I would have joined them but I wasn't in the mood. I didn't want to be pulled into their gossip session. I just wanted to enjoy this quiet moment with Freya, who'd fallen asleep during the walk over. Her hair was damp with perspiration. I had a washcloth with me, which I'd soaked in cold water and stuck in a plastic bag. I took it out and gently swabbed her neck and forehead. She made a tiny noise in her sleep. I loved these moments...when Freya was sleeping peacefully, no crying, just contentment. I watched how her lips puckered and calmed in her sleep...how her tiny hands balled into fists then relaxed. Sometimes when I watched her, she reminded me of the baby pictures my mother had kept in her wallet. Pictures of me, my eyes wide and dark as a roe deer. Her skin was not as light as Liv's. Freya was darker, a golden brown like a perfect piece of oak.

  I don't know when I fell asleep. Maybe it was the heat of the sun beating down on my skin. Maybe it was my insomnia. I couldn't sleep. Freya woke up too often. After we'd got her used to sleeping in her own bed, she'd now started waking two or three times a night. Mads usually slept through it. But I never slept deeply enough. I'd wake at the slightest sound. Afraid that somehow Freya had climbed out of her crib and fallen...or that perhaps I'd forgotten to lock the door...I was scared all the time of my own...inadequacies.

  For a second, I couldn't remember where I was. I looked around—Liv and Emelie were no longer in the sandbox—Freya...no, she was still in her stroller. Still sleeping as peacefully as she rarely did at night.

  I grabbed the handle of the stroller and jogged forward, hoping the jostling wouldn't wake Freya. I called out for Liv. I raced along the path, calling out for her until I saw her on the swings with Emelie. Her friend's mother was pushing them both. Elinor, Emelie's mother, waved at me. When I was close enough she called out, "Did you get the text? I saw you were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you. You looked like you needed a break."

  I shook my head. "I...I didn't hear it."

  "She's safe as houses." Elinor laughed. I tried to laugh as well. Liv and Emelie were screaming with delight the higher Elinor pushed them. But all I kept thinking was that I’d nearly lost her.

  * * *

  I lost track of time. Liv grew tired of playing in the sandbox and came over to me. She held my hand as we walked to the grocery store, bought groceries and then went home. But somehow by the time we got home, Liv changed her mind about the day we were having and began to cry again. I tried to give both her and Freya dinner but it didn't work. I ended up with two very unhappy little girls again. My phone rang again. It was my boss Jens. He’d already tried to call me several times but I’d been too busy to answer. "It sounds like you're in the thick of things with being a mom," he joked.

  "Well, I've got my hands full." Liv was underfoot, trying to climb in my lap while I tried to navigate my phone and my laptop. I shushed her and told her to go and play with Freya, but she stomped an imperious foot on the floor and barked out a resounding "nej." On the other line, Jens cleared his throat. "Sorry, Jens, it's the post-dinner tantrum hour here."

  "Ah, well, maybe you'll be interested in what's going on."

  "Intrigue at the office?"

  "I told you last week how they're talking about restructuring. Well, now it looks like they meant it. They're evaluating all the teams, looking to see which ones scored highest among clients in terms of how smoothly the projects went, the client and end-consumer feedback on the work they created, etc."

  I nodded and tried to keep an eye on Freya, who was now at that stage of development where she was scooting and scrawling everywhere. I watched her wiggle from the living room to the hallway leading to the bedrooms.

  "I'm guessing they're looking at sales figures, too." I left my chair and followed Freya's wonky trail to her bedroom. I knew she was looking for her stuffed penguin. It was her favorite toy, the one she refused to sleep without. I usually kept it on the bottom shelf of the set of floating shelves we'd installed in the girls' bedroom. Mads had moved it to a higher shelf, and now Freya was staring up at it with the sort of longing that could erupt into tears again at any moment. I grabbed Mr. Penguin, as we called the toy, and put it a few meters away from Freya. She immediately reached for it, happy again. "And my team's projects have always netted great results."

  "Well, that's why I'm calling," Jens said. His voice sounded muffled against the layer
of background noise—espresso machines hissing, snippets of conversations tumbling over one another, clanging glasses. "We want to keep your team...you, Marius, Johan...together. But it'll only work if you come back a little earlier."

  "I can't do that..." I said it before I even thought it through. I couldn't leave Freya yet, even if there were days when the fog around me made me wonder how much I truly loved my baby. I told myself I'd love her more, and sometimes I felt like I did. Even today...when she'd cried so much her cheeks flamed red...deep down, I knew I loved her like there was no tomorrow. "It's too soon."

  "Laney, you had to start your maternity leave early again...you've been away for almost a year now," Jens reminded me...as if I needed reminding. I'd gone into labor early again, had been in labor for close to fourteen hours before Freya finally arrived. "And the guys at the top...they need to see you are serious about your career."

  "I thought I'd already proven that to them."

  "Their memories are short. If they don't see you, they think you don't want to play the game."

  "I need to think about this. I need to talk to Mads as well—"

  "It's not his career, Lanes. It's yours."

  "He's my husband, Jens. Of course I'm going to talk to him about this."

  "You remember when you moved to Copenhagen? You made the decision without even talking to Niklas," Jens pointed out. "This is no different. It's your career, Lanes, not his. And if you still want a job at the end of the day, you're going to have to decide who and what you prioritize."

  "My kids will always come first."

  "Just think about it, Laney. I'm giving you two weeks to think about it. I've got to tell them by mid-August if you're coming back."

  "I'll think about it."

  "Think hard, Lanes. We'd rather have you back than have to let you go."